What’s Playing in The Background Shows Up in The Foreground Every Damn Time!
The Universe is ALWAYS communicating with you – but do you want to listen?
Have you ever been part of a conversation – virtual or in real life where someone poses a question, and the solution is so obvious to you - that you can’t even believe this is a question for the person who’s asking?
It happened last week to me, and I thought I’d share it because I have a feeling it will resonate with you.
The conversation happened in an online community of women – and one woman described her current partner and situation to the group because she was in a quandary and needed advice. She said her partner always puts her down, called her a name that I can’t even type - let alone say – suffice it to say it is so derogatory for a hateful stranger to say - so to have someone who apparently “loves” you – say it – is rather incomprehensible to me.
She goes on to say that he’s jealous of her relationship with the kids, he thinks she’s ugly and should lose weight, isn’t’ contributing enough financially – although he’s not either. It went on for pages. Years of belligerence and indifference, unkindness and emptiness.
Her question to the group – should I leave?
I wondered to myself if someone else had written that - and she were the one reading it – what advice would she be giving to the other woman?
It’s so clear from the other side, isn’t it? At least it was for me.
I wondered what had happened to her - before this relationship manifested that made her feel that this was okay, to be treated like this. I wondered what she had learned to believe about herself that she wondered if this behavior was bad enough, to justify her leaving with her kids.
Obviously, I don’t know the whole story. I don’t know if the description was accurate. I don’t know her partner’s side. I don’t his history.
But I do know this - no matter where we are in life – there is a mirror in all of it – that mirror shows us what we believe about ourselves – what we’re worth, how we deserve to be treated, what opportunities are available to us and how much happiness we’re entitled to.
Every situation we find ourselves in - is a microcosm of the internal dialogue of self-worth or self esteem. And it can eventually turn into an addiction – where the individual subconsciously finds someone to reinforce all of those internal feelings. So, you can form an addiction to all kinds of abuse.
Did the word addiction catch a bit of a snag with you? Or can you see it?
As unbelievable as it can sound - we can get chemically addicted to feeling bad.
Yep, there are chemicals that don’t feel good at all – but we still form an addiction to them. Well – the addiction is to “feeling normal” – and for some reason normal is something many people strive for. I’ll explain a bit more in a bit – but first but before I go there remember in podcast #6 where we talked about how tiny the odds of YOU being here are? Remember the odds of the exact right egg and exact right sperm getting together to make YOU, YOU? It was so astronomically low – that the fact that you were born is a freakin’ miracle!
So under these extraordinary odds – the woman in the story, came into this world. She came in with a dream and an intention – a gift to bring the world – and then she received all kinds of conditioning from the influencers in her life (family, culture, media, religion etcetera) which has left her wondering (in this particular moment) if she should stay in this abusive relationship because she “loves” him, and he “loves” her.
I’m not giving anyone advice here – the question for me in all of this is what does this woman need to learn to remember about herself in order to know the answer, for herself?
Did you listen to Podcast #16 – which was the one about the influence your words have, in how you talk to yourself? This woman’s partner called her down, called her a horrible derogatory name, said she wasn’t contributing, said horrible things about her body and her priorities and I wondered how many times she had used these types of lethal blows on herself?
Have you ever used unkind words against yourself?
How often are we in an abusive relationship with ourselves – and what does it finally take for us to ask the questions – do I need to leave this version of myself for something better – more loving – kinder – supportive.
As we look at our lives and our situation – many of us think to ourselves – if I was just with someone else it would be better, or if I just did “blank” it would be easier or if I was more like “so-and-so” this wouldn’t be happening to me.
The world teaches us - if our external environment improved our internal environment would follow. That’s why advertisers know how to tug on all of our insecurities to market us their latest trends or fads. They know most people are working from inside a hole that they desperately need to fill.
The truth is you can’t get lasting change through external change.
Oh, you can get a distraction for a bit – which could even last for a week or two – but if the seeker hasn’t fundamentally changed internally – they will go back to the old ways really quickly.
Remember, your ego needs to keep you feeling familiar, because it thinks you think - familiar equals safe – and when you start feeling differently – it will help you sabotage yourself to get you back to the familiar unsatisfying state. If all of that was new for you or you’ve forgotten it – go back to the beginning of the podcast episodes (especially #5) – I am building on some foundational concepts from both science and ancient wisdom here and I can’t go into all of the detail in each episode so bare with me here and just go with it for now – okay.
We come into this world as clean slates – and then a pile of conditioning happens, and we learn to believe something about ourselves that isn’t true – instead it’s just impressions other people left in us – and often those impressions are so far off the truth that we find it hard to believe that we came in as freakin’ miracles with a gift to share with the world. We are rare and perfect – and our work is to remember that.
I want you to look around at your life right now and ask yourself – “where do I desire more for myself”? What isn’t fulfilling to me? Where am I more interested in keeping quiet instead of saying what I want? When and where do I say unkind things to myself?
Here’s a tidbit that you might find astonishing – but it will prove helpful.
Where do you say unkind things about others behind their back?
One of my mentors has a shaman as their guide. If you don’t know - Shamanism is ancient wisdom and it predates any organized religion. It’s tens of thousands of years old and has a long and documented history. I don’t know enough about it to say more – but the teachings I get from my mentor have proven so stellar and transforming that I’m going to repeat something he attributes to his Shaman teacher.
People are not who you think THEY ARE.
People are who you think YOU are.
That’s big – no?
So, when you say unkind things about someone else – you’re really saying those unkind things about yourself – because everyone around you is a mirror. Everyone or every situation is reflecting to you what you believe about yourself.
You say oh so and so is so self-centred or selfish or insecure – or needy or resentful or ungracious – and all of that is how you feel about yourself and your higher self is saying – you need to shine a light on that honey – you need to look at what you believe about yourself in order to remember who you are. You need to get rid of that shit ‘cuz it’s holding you back.
What do you need to STOP believing about yourself and your situation?
And what do you have to START believing about yourself and your situation?
What has to change in order for you to REMEMBER who you came to be?
Okay – so you look at your life and you see that your relationship isn’t how you want it to be? Or you’re not in a relationship and you wish you were? Or your financial situation isn’t what you desire or your health or your responsibilities or work are not what you want…look at whatever one is most pressing to you right now and ask yourself – WHO was the person that got themself into this situation?
What did you have to believe about yourself to be in a situation where people use you up but don’t fill you up?
What did you have to believe about yourself to be in a situation where your money situation isn’t what you require? Is it a bad, shallow or mis-guided priority – so it makes you a bad, shallow or mis-guided priority kind of person?
What did you have to believe about yourself to be in a job that doesn’t meet your needs or dreams? Is work meant to hard? Is it normal to just get through it so you’re living for the weekends? Is your social standing a reflection of what opportunities are available to you?
What did you have to believe about yourself to be in a situation where you’re not being heard? Did someone tell you that your ideas are stupid or unwanted? Did someone laugh at something you said – and you felt small an insignificant?
Those are tough questions (and there are a million more we can ask to get at what’s playing in the background). When I first heard these ideas, I balked. But it didn’t make it any less true.
And if you want to continue blaming people or situations for your current conditions – have at ‘er – but if you want to unearth those old behaviors and characteristics that are diminishing your current experience - than you’ve got to dig in.
It’s this plain – if you want your outer world to change – your inner world must change first. So, who do you have to be in your own mind – for your circumstances and opportunities to change?
We are so easily convinced we deserve what we have – oh we likely rail against it – but in that chatty voice inside of us - we can throw all kinds of shame or guilt or resentment at ourselves.
We can believe we’re bad or unlucky or undeserving.
All of that is a story – and it’s fiction! Bad fiction.
Your first step is understanding that you deserve to be happy, loved, fulfilled, engaged – lit up. So, what is the work you need to do to convince yourself of that? How do you begin treating yourself - in order for that internal dialogue to change?
How will you love yourself?
How will you speak to yourself?
How will you make yourself happy or fulfilled or engaged?
Look – if these types of questions are new to you – or are confounding – you’re not alone. But if the life you dream of, is compelling enough – then you’ve got to learn to work the muscle that changes your internal environment.
If you’ve got a voice in your head that is now saying “that’s impossible” “that’s too hard”, “that’s silly or self-indulgent”, “that’s not the way things work”, “things can’t change for me in that way”, “I have too many people counting on me and if I changed or went in a new direction they’d fall apart”, “I’ll do this when my kids are grown or my parents are dead or when I’m 40 or 50 or 60 or …” – blah blah blah – yep, that’s your ego trying to keep you in the familiar feelings you’ve grown accustomed to.
This is what I call drifting through your life. Drift. Drift. Drift. Yep – just let the current take you wherever it wants to take you.
So, the first thing you need to know is that it’s WORK and you’re worth the WORK!
Look at where you’re feeling grudges or resentment right now – you’re using that to keep you in a familiar feeling.
Look at where you’re feeling shame or grief or loss right now – you’re using that to keep you in a familiar feeling.
Look at where you’re feeling disappointment or anger or doubt right now – you’re using that to keep you in a familiar feeling.
Look at where you’re still living in the past – rewriting it in your head so you could be happier right now – if only so and so hadn’t said that thing or left or died or moved on - you’re using that to keep you in a familiar feeling.
Look at where you look back at your life and declare “that wasn’t fair” – you’re using that to keep you in a familiar feeling.
I know that we can easily become convinced that the past exists – but it’s gone – its completely gone – there is nothing you can do or say or be that can change it. So, what is the value to you in holding on? What is the cost to you of holding on?
What could be the value to you in letting go? What could be the value to you in moving forward? Would a new familiar be too scary? Would a new familiar make you too accountable? Would a new familiar seem disrespectful in some way to whatever you’re holding on to? Would a new familiar force you to expect more of yourself? Would a new familiar mean you’d have to change what you believe about yourself and recognize that you came in, against all odds to give the world something beautiful just by being you.
Look, the past doesn’t exist any longer and the future doesn’t exist yet – BUT and this is a big BUT – you can create your future.
But you’ve got to change something to do that – and most likely it’s the internal dialogue you’ve got going on – all those nasty power leaks that are draining your energy and convincing you – you’re not enough – you’re all alone – you deserve what you’ve got – dreaming just leads to disappointment – blah blah blah – all stories – all fiction – all BAD fiction.
Here’s another question for you - do you want to teach people how to hurt or how to heal?
There’s more good feelings and opportunities in showing a way to heal by redeeming whatever was holding you to the past.
Love yourself enough to do this work!
There’s an endless number of resources out there – if you want some support from me - go over to WeirdHummingbirds.com and check COURSES (there is both free and paid programs there).
If I’ve struck a chord with you and you already know that you want to do this work, then know that the Plugging Your Power Leaks course is foundational to all of this work – it will help you see what’s holding you back and it will give you an actual game plan for how to change your inside environment so you can create your outside environment.
You know the end goal for me is that there are thousands upon thousands of women doing this work – to get to the truth of who they are and what they’ve come to offer. I know what we will be able to accomplish together and the world will be better for it.
Remember my question from early? Do you want to teach people how to hurt or how to heal?
By Layne Smith-Brown