Not only was I in a very remote location – it was a mess. I was all alone. My good friends and the small amount of family I had, were over 1000 miles away. I had unceremoniously landed on a piece of land that was - overgrown and overrun – with a house that most would have called untenable.

Four years earlier, I had moved across country to create a dream with a bunch of old friends - in a part of the country I was unfamiliar with. Over a decade earlier - this small group of dreamers had come up with this idea of creating an Arthouse for Artists to perform, display their work, connect with each other – a beautiful and inviting space that honored the creative. It was a fairly vague idea but every time we got together, over the years we found ourselves talking about it – the dream never lost its intensity.

We had looked for land from one end of the country to the other – and nothing resonated – until one day I got a call at work to say – two of my good friends had found just the right spot. It was in a town of 39 people – with an old Catholic Rectory that hadn’t been used for its intended purpose for decades. It was rundown – but showed promise – and on a quick weekend recognisance mission to check it out– I decided within minutes that I was ready to jump in.

I went home and quit my job – sold my house – and took a 6-month bike trip through Europe and then drove a thousand miles to the soon-to-be “Arthouse”.

It didn’t take me long to realized that over the 10 years since the dream began, my friends and I had very different priorities, values, and beliefs. I had changed too much and no longer fit in.

The answers to the questions I should have asked before moving - were suddenly very clear - but it was way too late to address them. There I was – in someone else’s dream – and I was seemingly a million miles away from home. I knew I needed to leave – but I couldn’t, easily go back, to the city I loved or the job or home I had had there – all of that was gone for me.

About a decade after the Arthouse fell apart for me – a second opportunity came that was even better than the first. I magnificent setting, a spectacular building, solid funding and an idea that had the whole community lit up. A retreat centre focusing on Personal Development and Health. There would be - organic gardens and fine dining - world-class speakers - well-appointed rooms - and ME smack dab in the centre of my comfort zone! It was perfect.

My business cohort and I - had a 5-year plan and we began with nothing but enthusiasm. We started building a team and making changes to the facility – our plan was unfolding quickly. Three and a half months into the project – the landlord broke the lease for no apparent reason – and as a result the funding disappeared. All of us were left dumbfounded and utterly heart-broken – and completely in shock.

Three big disappointments inside of a decade and each of them had me reeling. I indulged myself in Resentment, Regret, Grudges, Shame and Disappointment until I could get far enough away from each (in time) to see the gifts they offered.

Selling my city house when I did - in order to be part of the Arthouse – created a good chunk of cash that allowed me to travel through Europe for six months on my bike - and have enough to live on for over a year while we all redeemed a century old 6000sf rundown brick farmhouse - into all of its former glory. The work was satisfying – I learned to demolish and rebuild. I learned to drywall and paint and cut trim work – I learned about wells and septic tanks and needing to be resourceful - I learned skills that were outside my initial interests – but were so satisfying to know.

But more importantly than all of that - this setting - served as a place where I found myself in more ways than one – and after a year and a half I found the courage to walk away from something that wasn’t true to me – and found a new dream – my dream – and in so doing – caught one of my first glimpses of the Authentic ME!

In the new city an hour and a half from where I had first landed – I started my own company in a community that supported me in such a fantastic way that I got be involved in some amazing projects and opportunities – those projects and events still hold some incredibly fond memories for me. Branching out on my own – allowed me to see my gifts and abilities and it built my confidence. It helped me catch another glimpse of who I came to BE!.

The relationship that ended prior to me landing in the middle of nowhere – on a piece of land that was never my dream – was the death of me, giving myself away - to someone who could not see ME! Mostly because I couldn’t SEE myself!

I came out of that relationship understanding that I had no clue who I was – or what I wanted - and I spent 3 years in a desolate and lonely place - healing, regrouping and doing the type of work we’re doing here on this show – so that I could rid myself of my Power Leaks and begin my journey of remembering who I came to be - and what I came to do.

I also got to use all the skills I had learned at the Arthouse to redeem the rundown country property. The house transformed, the yard transformed, and I transformed. The eye-sore turned into a piece of paradise – but it took a great deal of work.

I also found out that this busy city girl – was built for the kind of life that thrives in the quietness of the country - where one can not only hear the buzz of the hummingbirds – but also the chirp of the crickets and the clicking of the lightening bugs .

Where one can sit under stars so big and so bright - against a dark blue sky and fold yourself into the all-that-is - and be part of something far greater than my little home in the middle of nowhere.

While I was at that place – that I did not choose - getting to know myself and remembering the Me I came to be Kali was living her life more than 1500 miles away – we met on a dating app.

She was a mountain girl like me, with a dream to have enough land for horses.

She didn’t know what I had when we first began to talk, and I didn’t know what she was longing for.

The higher priority for both of us - was that we wanted to be with someone - who’d done their work – who made a spiritual walk their highest priority. Someone with a big sense of humour - who loved the outdoors – and the company of hummingbirds, crickets, lightening bugs, dogs, cats and all kinds of other creatures living in the woods and fields.

When we finally met in person - it was like “going home”. We knew each other without saying a word. That doesn’t mean it’s always been easy – but I dare – for now – it is a perfect match.

Each of those stories were much more complex than I’ve described. Lessons were messy and hard and confusing and painful. I spent so much time angry and scared and overwhelmed. I was in a mess and I was alone. I was as confused as anyone could be - at why things happened the way they did.

It is only in retrospect that I can see the gifts.

The retreat centre is still a bit of a mystery. It might have been my secret addiction to be in my power leak of disappointment - if that one is new to you – go back to my Podcast # 13.

Whatever it was – it got me to a place of understanding myself even better – and there’s no loss in that.

Kali and I moved back to the mountains a few years ago now – and I am both happy and content. Our whole family is healthy and enjoying life and we’re looking for land again – because this city girl longs to hear the birds and bugs while sitting under an enormous sky under a gigantic moon and a blanket of stars.